Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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