Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
