They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
