i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
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that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
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Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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