I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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