I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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