I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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