he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
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thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
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No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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