dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
