I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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