Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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