Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The adults are the big ones right?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
