if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
