Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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