he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
