Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
