I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
