Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
