Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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