you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
