MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
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Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
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I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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