I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
