she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
