Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
