I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
