I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
not ubering you a puppy
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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