just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
