All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
