I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
