I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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