i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
