Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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