Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
