my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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