WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
