every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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