Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
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my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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