I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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