please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
