I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
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She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
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He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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