yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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