mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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