6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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