I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
