I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
