I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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