What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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