ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
