i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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