dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.