I will die if light touches me.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.