did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.