I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
