Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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