Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
