my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
