I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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