So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
