dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
