He uses pillows to masturbate.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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